Hello Friends,
I've never made it a secret here that I have mental health issues. I've often mentioned my Mental Health Hydra. I have been diagnosed with severe Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Bipolar II. It's not fun in my head, it's made a lot of things difficult, especially creating things. I'm a writer. I write stories, poems, blogs, and book reviews. I can tell you my brain being wired in the way it is has effected me creatively. So one of the things I deal with is when people give their opinions on things my brain automatic goes "Their right, your wrong, we have to change or else we're doing wrong" or something to that gist.
An example is this one time the Captain, my sister, and I were discussing an album we listened to growing up. They ended up mentioning how they hated this one song, the problem was it was one of my favorites. Now for most people this is no big deal, but to my frelled up brain it's a trigger where my brain screams we can't enjoy this anymore cause other people hate it and my brain treats what they say as fact, instead of the opinion it is.
Now let's add in the internet where everyone has an opinion and tells you how to do everything, and your brain instantly believes everyone is right but you, plus cancel culture, which is a field day for your mental health induced perfectionist issues. This leads to so much stress for the creative cause your worried first about doing everything "by the book" or "right" so people won't toss your work out and leave your written world unwritten. It's a nightmare. This is why my book series has taken so long, I'm so psyched out about upsetting people, even though I have researched the heck out of everything, and have been mindful of so much, but I've obsessed over minor details so much and being swayed by people's opinions that I lost the whole focus of my original point to my stories, just to have a fun geeky time.
The Latest Example
Yesterday is a further example of these issues. First I like to note I was going through PMDD, which is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, so my mood and mental health were already all over the place. I simply went to find a link to how to format your poetry collection for submitting for publication. I was already overwhelmed by all the information, when this same page was even commentating on how you capitalize your poetry could cause people to see you a certain way. I'm stressing cause I've just went creatively with what my gut tells me and it has went in the direction that my current style is, but now I fear I won't get published cause I don't write the "right" way. This led to an anxiety induced editing of three poems and the more I edited the more I was unhappy cause it wasn't feeling like my poem anymore. Then I tried to calm myself down saying you don't have to do it everybody else's way and sought out modern examples that were like my capitalization and punctuation style, and I did find my capitalization style with one award winning poet, and there was another who had poems who's punctuation was like mine. Then I remembered I had two single poems published despite my unique style. Then a person on my discord reminded me is poetry is messing with language and that what I choose to do with my work is valid, and that e e cummings and Don Marquis would be supportive. I did make me really look at my poems and I realized I'm actually a blend of old and new styles and I'm fine with that.
Universe Being Inspiring
Despite this reassurance that I'm on the right path I still was anxious, again probably motivated by my PMDD, I conked out again. When I awakened it was dark, it was around 9:30 or 9:40ish. I went out on the back porch to watch the lightning bugs, fireflies to the rest of you. I noticed it was still a little light, so I put my shoes on and was met with beautiful sky sight. As I stood there taking in the sights and sounds I felt inspiration like I hadn't in a while. I also felt peace with my creative decisions. It's like I'll do this creative thing my way. I'll be like Rune from Mercedes Lackey's Bardic Voices, if the conventional doesn't want me then I'll be unconventional. That's my philosophy deep down when you remove all the fear my mental health instills in me, a girl who shrugs off convention. Speaking of Philosophy, it's also a great filk song, written by Mercedes Lackey if I'm not mistaken, that I think fits this section of the post.
Then as if the universe wasn't already delivering messages I pulled this card:
I think the universe is making it clear: Do it your way. If the conventional overseers of the creative spaces will not have me, then I'll make my own way, even if it's just here on my blog.
Inspiration On June 4th 2026
Awoken from a mentally anguished induced sleep
The sky still clings to daylight
As two bright celestial bodies hold it up in the west
Lightning bugs do their flashing dance amongst trees and over fields
Western winds bring that interstate clear
A sound that beckons to the younger dreamer
The older dreamer makes a decision to write her style
Whether it's loved or not
I know this is all over the place, but it was what was on my soul and may there's other creative souls that needed to hear this message. Have a great weekend guys and go create something uniquely awesome.
*Thrifty Geek*
